Hey there!
I hope you’re having a fantastic week!
I decided to try something new today. Had a little idea of writing about relationships through the eyes of my dogs. So I gave the personality of my dog’s voices and wrote about a little scene.
I think it’s fun. Hopefully you enjoy it too!
Have an amazing rest of your week!
Your friend,
Greyson
Dating With Dogs
Underwear Anxiety
“I think I heard something!”
The head of a black and white Springer/Retriever mix bounced up, her neck stretching to see around the coffee table. Her beady eyes shifted from front door to hallway to bathroom back to front door.
“Did you hear something, Leela? I know I heard something!”
Leela, the three-legged pit bull remained still on her bed in the corner of the room. Resting on her back, three legs pointing to the ceiling, a single eyelid slowly opened.
“Maude, it’s nothing. It’s always nothing. Go back to sleep.” Her eyelid slid to a close.
“You always say it’s nothing and sometimes it’s nothing but other times it’s not nothing and I’m pretty sure this time it’s not nothing so I need to be awake! It could be a robber or a murderer or a dog snatcher or a people snatcher or someone looking to steal our food!”
Leela’s eye opened again, this time accompanied with a sigh.
“Why don’t you go check? Make sure everything is okay.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea I’ll go check. I’ll protect the house and the food.”
Maude pushed herself up, her long legs fighting the smooth linoleum floor and her 12-year-old joints. She approached the front door, listened, then sniffed at the wood. Nothing. In the kitchen, the food remained as it had been an hour earlier when she last went on patrol. She looked over her shoulder, then gobbled up a mouthful of Leela’s food.
Returning to the living room, the pitbull remained in her same spot, her head pressed deep into the overstuffed fabric.
“I checked the front door and the hallway and the kitchen and everything is okay. Your food might look a little lower but it was like that when I got there so it is okay. I think we can--Did you hear something! I just heard something.”
“Oh my god,” Leela muttered under her breath.
Maude began pacing from the front door to the pitbull’s sleeping bed back to the door. “We’re gonna die, I just know we’re gonna die, why would he leave us alone to die!”
Leela rolled over onto her belly and stretched her neck. There would be no more napping.
“Why don’t you take a hit of the underwear. Calm yourself down.”
“Oh yes, yes, good idea. The underwear, that’s a good idea.”
Maude returned to her place behind the coffee table and the black pair of boxer-briefs she had left. She buried her nose in the fabric and snorted deeply. Her eyes closed as she let the hit of odor circulate through her body.
“It’s not working! Oh no that’s not good that’s really not good! Not working, no not working at all!” She lifted her head, underwear swaying from her jaw like a tire swing.
“What do you mean it’s not working? Isn’t that his gym underwear?”
“Yeah! It’s just not doing it!”
“But that should be good to last you a week, at least!”
“I’m freaking out, oh no oh no oh no. I’m going into panic mode. Yes, panic mode!”
“Don’t go into panic mode.”
“I’m gonna start tearing up couch cushions! And shoes! I gotta find shoes!”
“Do not tear up shoes. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”
“I don’t--there. Shoes. Sweet glorious shoes. And leather. I need to tear them up. I have to, oh yes I have to. I’m losing it.”
“Keep it together. Everything is going to be okay. We just need to--”
A sound at the door. Keys. Voices.
“We’re gonna die!!!!!”
Leela moved in on the door, pushing past Maude. The elder Springer nervously craned her neck around the younger pit, teetering between fight and flight.
The door opened wide, revealing dad and a female companion. Noise came from his mouth and he moved his lips but the dogs didn’t understand. Leela wagged her tail. Maude bounced with excitement.
“Oh my god oh my god oh my god,” Leela panted. “He didn’t leave us oh my god oh my god oh my god!”
“I told you. Again.”
“And he brought a new friend! Maybe she’ll feed us!”
Maude bumped Leela out of the way, dive-bombing her nose between the woman’s legs.
“You gotta bop the crotch! They love it when you bop the crotch!”
Maude thrusts her nose into the woman’s skirt like a Medieval army ramming a castle gate.
“Look, I saved a toy for you! It’s my best toy!” Leela scanned the room, spotted the nearest stuffed animal carcass, and scooped it up with her mouth. “I de-stuffed all the fuzz for you!” she proclaimed as she offered her toy to her dad and guest. “Took the squeaker out too! That way it won’t bother you.”
“Crotch bop. Crotch bop.”
The woman guided Maude’s head away from her thighs.
“She touched me! I told you they like the bop.”
“No, they like gifts more!” The woman scratched the wide head of the pit. “See, they like gifts.”
“Bops!”
“Gifts!”
“You’re an idiot!” Maude turned her attention to Leela, teeth showing.
The toy flopped from Leela’s mouth. “Bring it.”
Maude slowly tilted her head from one side to the next. Chest out, head up, eyes locked on the smaller dog, she leaned back, then lunged at the pit. But her age and height were too high, as Leela dove for the exposed legs, sending both dogs to the ground
Ka-Thump!
The bedroom door closed. The lights went dark.
Distracted from their argument, the dogs looked at the now sealed-off room.
“Why did he close the door?” Maude asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe he thinks a burglar is coming! Oh my god, we’re going to die!”
Leela returned to her sleeping bed and flopped down. “We’re not going to die.”
“Oh my god oh my god oh my god, we’re going to die! We’re never going to see him again! He left us alone forever!” Made started to pace, from bedroom door to front door. “I need a shoe.”
“You do not need a shoe!”
“I’m freaking out!”
Leela rolled her eyes, muttering, “oh my god,” to herself again. “Just go back to the underwear.”
“Okay, yes okay the underwear.” Maude scooped up the underwear with her mouth and laid down, breathing in short, quick breaths.
****
The bedroom door opened with a metallic squawk and a wooden groan. Maude rushed in. Dad slid out of the way before heading for the bathroom.
Leela eyeballed the open bedroom and the closed bathroom door, although she couldn’t make out much in the dark. Maude scurried back out of the room and reclaimed her old spot. She’d been pacing and anxiety farting intermittently for however long dad was in the closed-off room.
Dad returned to the bedroom but left the door open. More human noises between dad and the woman, but Leela couldn’t interpret the meaning. Before long lights flicked on and the two humans made their way to the front door.
“Looks like they're leaving again,” Leela said. Maude replied with a series of sniffs. Leela had expected the older dog to howl out in disgust.
Dad blurted out more gibberish but included “Maude and Leela” somewhere in the mix. Leela ran up for the goodbye chin scratch and forehead smooch. She anchored herself to the floor, waiting for a tidal wave of Maude to crash into her from behind, but it never came. The woman scratched at Leela’s ears with longer nails.
“Oh, I like her,” Leela said over her shoulder to Maude. More sniffs.
The door opened and both humans left, lighting the inevitable fuse that would set off the other dog’s anxiety.
Leela waited for an outburst.
And waited.
And waited.
Nothing.
“Well you’re sure taking this well,” Leela said to the other dog behind the coffee table.
A long, deep, snort came, before Maud’s head rose, her eyes rolling back and something bright pink dangling from her snout.
“Did you take her underwear?”
“Oh yeah. So good. Primo stuff right here.”
Maude bowed her head back to the ground, an orchestration of sniffs and sighs coming from the dog.
Long nails and anxiety-calming undies, Leela thought. I really like her.
A travel story I wrote several years ago: Travel for the Soul (Even if You Don’t Have One)
A retelling of my failed honeymoon as I experience the same journey a decade later: I retraces my steps, from Miami to Machu Picchu, as I looks to recover what's lost and discover if it's possible to find oneself while traveling for the soul.
This is hysterical!🤣