I’m a middle child of two sisters. Growing up I regularly came in contact with their boyfriends and, frankly, I regularly came in contact with boyfriends I didn’t like.
Perhaps I was overprotective mentally of my sisters. Maybe I knew they could do better. Whatever the reason, few crossed my path that I cared for. Throughout my adolescent years growing up around my sisters I tweaked and finely tuned my d-bag meter to the point I believe it’s extremely accurate.
Following high school, I’ve only made one real lasting guy friend. Guess I never found the need to add to my net of guy friends (most of whom I’ve been friends with since elementary school) and, when that d-bag meter goes off in the back of my head, I’d rather just avoid them altogether.
Instead, almost all of the friends I’ve made post high school are female. It’s not necessarily a sexual attraction behind the friendly (it’s not all When Harry Met Sally situations going on). Honestly, I think because I grew up around all females it simply feels more natural to talk to females. It’s easier to be open about emotions and basic everyday activities. Despite having my guy friends since as early as first grade we don’t unload emotional baggage onto one another. In that sense, it’s a more traditional masculine connection. But with the female friends I’ve made it’s more of a familiar, almost family-oriented connection based on my upbringing.
Generally, because most of my guy friends are spread around the country, I spend most of my “hanging out” time with women. And, because I’m a straight male hanging out with primarily women, many of those women will turn to me for insights into the male mind (FYI, it’s not all that complex, but sometimes when something is so obvious you can overthink it and convince yourself it can’t be that obvious). They also ask for general advice, because they know I won’t BS them. There are some people you ask for an opinion from because you know they’ll agree with you, and then there are some who will give you an honest opinion, even if it sucks to hear. I’m the “sucks to hear opinion” kind of guy.
But, after seeing my sisters get hurt because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or give an honest insight, I try my best to tell it like it is.
What does that have to do with me possibly knowing why a woman is perpetually single or not able to maintain a quality relationship? With all-female friends who have asked me for my insights, I’ve found there are common reasons and bits of advice I give as to why things aren’t working out for them.
And here they are.
Focusing On The Minor Flaws
It’s so much easier to focus on the negatives. But when looking for a potential match, focusing on the other person’s flaws will only draw more attention to them and then, eventually, that’s the only thing you’ll see.
Sometimes it’s not even character flaws. It might just be something that bugs you. The two of you have great chemistry, they make you laugh, you go on awesome dates, but they scrape their fork over their teeth when they eat and it drives you completely crazy. It gets to the point that’s all you can hear. It echoes in the back of your brain at mealtime, swelling behind your eyes. Even before they do it you know they’re going to. It’s a ticking time bomb. You watch their hand on the fork. They say something to you but you don’t hear what they say. You just nod, continue eating, continue watching. They take a bite, there’s that metal on tooth sound. Ka-Boom. Sensory overload. Your body erupts in total mental frustration.
And it ends the relationship. All over something silly.
I refer to this as the Seinfeld syndrome (because in most episodes the main characters were breaking up with their partners over something petty).
There will always be minor flaws, and if the flaw is what you focus on, it’s all you’re going to see. Ever been to a museum, stood real close to a classical painting, and seen the cracks in the paint that has developed over time? Let your eyes focus on the cracks for long enough it’s all your mind will see. Stop focusing on the cracks. Focus on the painting.
It’s Too Good To Be True
I can’t tell you how many times this one has come up. After a few dates, I’m told just how awesome things are going. Everything is clicking on every single level. And yet, they’re holding back with something (it’s far easier to see this when meeting in person and not just over IM). Maybe there’s a way it’s delivered, a look in their eyes, or a pause at the end of the sentence. Usually, I’ll toss in a, “But...” just to see how they respond.
“It’s too good to be true. I know there’s something wrong with him,” is usually what comes next. At least in some form.
This is similar to the previous reason, only instead of focusing on flaws with this reason, it’s searching for flaws.
And here’s the reality to it. If you search for flaws you will find them. It’s better to let them unfold in front of you over the natural course of time.
This doesn’t mean you should turn off all intuition. I’m a very big believer in listening to your gut. If your gut thinks something is up there’s likely a good reason for it. But in this situation, there isn’t any reason at all. There are literally zero reasons, and that’s what’s terrifying. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past so, out of self-preservation you want to discover everything there is to know before it can mentally, emotionally, or even physically affect you.
I get it. There are loads of d-bags out there, prowling the earth, looking to take advantage and pounce. But there are loads of good people out there too. And it’s my experience that d-bags will almost always out themselves at some point. You don’t even need to be looking for the laws. You just need to be self-aware of what's going on.
So enjoy the, “it’s too good to be true,” moments. Those don’t come around very often, even if it will come to an end. At least you were able to drink it all in while it was there.
Letting Past Relationships Ruin Current Ones
This is one I’m a bit too familiar with myself. Something familiar might happen in a new relationship, triggering memories of a past relationship. When that happens, it’s all too easy to begin looking for the next stage in a series of events you’ve already lived through.
While it’s important to learn from past relationships, it’s just as important to not compare the actions of human beings. Every relationship has a story to tell, with two people offering the narration. The narration of this relationship will, almost always, follow a different path.
Should you let undesired memories from the past flood your mind, it’s almost impossible to drain all those thoughts out. They’re there and, if you’re not careful, will sink a potentially fruitful relationship.
Maybe someone cheated on you in the past. You might have not seen the warning signs at the time then, but looking back on it you can draw a connect-the-dots trail up to the point of discovering the cheating. Now, in your current event, perhaps they had to stay late for work or weren’t able to text right away. If those were dots you identified with that last relationship you may start forcing unrelated events into a make-believe pattern in order to fit the narrative of cheating.
Learn from past relationships. Don’t let them dictate current ones.
But It Is Happening Over And Over
Okay, so what if there is a pattern? Maybe four of five relationships follow the same path and end the same way. There are far too many similarities and now you’re convinced everyone is evil.
“Why are all guys pieces of shit?”
I’ve been asked that question more times than I can count. Depending on the mood of both them and me I might offer a snappy comeback, or I might shrug before getting into the nitty-gritty. Because this is one of the most difficult bits of advice to give, and some people just are not capable of receiving it.
Perhaps the issue isn’t outward? Maybe it’s inward.
When numerous relationships follow the same trajectory and come to the same conclusion, the best way to figure out what’s going on is to look at the one common denominator: the one person dating all those individuals.
The solution is not always easy. Maybe it’s being attracted to someone that just doesn’t emotionally and mentally mesh. Maybe there’s some self-sabotage going on because there’s a fear of being hurt so, instead of letting it get that far there’s a relationship self-destruct button triggered.
It’s a tricky problem to really identify, and it takes complete honesty to do so. Nobody likes to admit the problem is themselves. I know I don’t. But the good thing is it’s possible to correct your own actions and behaviors. So while it’s the most difficult to really diagnose, once you know what it is it’s easier to turn things around (and, at the very least, you’ll be able to use the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” line and mean it).
And that’s really where success for any future relationship lies. Honesty. Not just with the person you're with, but with yourself. Because if you can’t be honest with yourself, what is it you’re being with the person you’re with?