Walking out the courthouse marked a new beginning. It marked a final end. It marked future paths twisting off in infinite directions. Like a novelty sign pointing off to a dozen far-off cities and just how distant each hides in the horizon.
Divorce came so suddenly, and yet I had to drag my heart across the finish line. I knew of the impending court date for months. I had signed off on the paperwork. Filled in the assigned blanks. Offered my initials where required. I signed one page to start the wedding. I signed a novella to complete it.
And yet, despite the sun shining on a cloudless, brisk afternoon, nothing felt complete. Nothing felt new. Perhaps because the judge’s gavel smashed down on whatever pieces I had left of a once intact love. Maybe the lack of food kept me from feeling what I needed to.
But what did I need to feel?
I looked to the woman formerly known as my wife. The desire to hug her came and then went. She felt as distant from me as the far-off city on the invisible novelty sign. No sooner could I reach her than I could Paris or Tokyo.
We continued to the car in silence. I still had to drive her to the airport.
What To Do, What To Do
There’s such a strange feeling when something you planned on lasting a lifetime ends far short of it. You can trace back the origins of your relationship. Where it started, when it culminated, how it veered off track. There’s a dusty record collecting space in your brain, offering a traveled road map. And yet, the conclusion feels incomplete.
Like going on a grand hike only to discover nothing at the end.
If you experienced divorce like me, even after the ink dried, the notary stamped and the judge’s gavel echoed out, it didn’t truly feel over. The love you once felt for that person didn’t suddenly evaporate. It takes time to drain. Whether you decided to end the relationship, it was their call, or you came about it mutually, the lack of a true ending feels strange. Like a movie that fades to black without offering a definite conclusion.
But what is there to do? How do you manifest a conclusion? Death comes with memorials and celebrations of life. To offer closure. To jump-start the healing process. Shouldn’t the death of a meaningful relationship come with something similar?
Divorce Party
The other day I decided to look up popular search terms for those going through divorce. Figured perhaps I could draw some inspiration or ideas from common terms. While sifting, I stumbled upon a list of the most popular divorce-related searches in every state.
Most of the searchers weren’t out of the ordinary. Dealing with divorce, vacationing after divorce, I still hate my divorced EX, dog custody. Other state top searches included, “stop paying child support” (Texas), “Bigamy” (South Dakota), “Is child support taxable” (North Carolina), and “free divorce” (Arkansas).
While there were some interesting results, the one that stuck out came from the state of my birth. “Divorce Party.”
Every other state result had something to do with dealing with a divorce, some of the lesser known rules of divorce, and how to save money on the divorce/childcare. But for whatever reason, a divorce party tipped the scales in Michigan.
At first, the idea of a divorce party sounds a little backward. The celebration of failure. Of the end of dreams and the shattering of plans. Why celebrate it?
And yet, when cutting away the mental weeds to take in the concept as a whole, it very much makes sense. It creates an emotional conclusion for the marriage. It allows individuals to come together to celebrate what happened, and to begin the healing process.
It’s no different than celebrating a person’s life at a funeral. Very few people go to a funeral to pop corks on champagne and toast the death of someone. It’s about remembering their accomplishments, and what they did in life. About bringing up little-known memories, how their smile was contagious, how they were always willing to lend a helping hand.
The same can be true with a divorce party. Discussing happy times, shared memories, and funny experiences can help mend the heartache that will follow.
Sure, it wouldn’t always be possible to bring friends of both parties together. There’s going to be plenty of animosity between the two. I can’t imagine what the mothers of the couple would chirp at the other side throughout the duration of the “party.”
The point, I think, is to simply have a dedicated event to celebrate the end of what was. Even if it is just you and a bunch of friends coming together to talk. That’s okay. There are no rules to these things. In fact, I didn’t even know divorce parties were a thing. And you can make the event your own. At the end of the party, you can go all 90s rom-com and burn a shoe box of love letters or photographs. Or you can go all Office Space on a hard drive of your digital wedding album.
The point is, give yourself a marked and meaningful conclusion to your marriage. Whether it’s talking about the good times with your newly minted ex over cocktails and you present your ring back to them, or you bring close friends over to have a bonfire of memories, that’s up to you. But with that conclusion, I think you’ll find it will ultimately help with the healing process.
After all, even in failure, your marriage discovers a conclusive sendoff.
Books!
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