Stop Sugarcoating Life's Failures
Sometimes the best medicine is just to accept life isn't always good.
I stood in the corner, not wanting to talk to anyone.
I don’t know if anyone wanted to talk to me. But obligation is a powerful motivator.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
I shook a hand, unaware of the face offering it.
“He was a good man,” came another voice.
More lines. More hands. Paying their final respects in offerings of solemn nods and concerned looks.
“Going through this will only make you stronger.”
My eyes twitched. I looked to the face behind the comment.
What the hell does that mean you stupid f--
“Thanks,” I said, avoiding the tongue-lashing suggestion of my brain.
I excused myself. I can’t remember what I did. Where I went to. I needed a break from it all. And I certainly didn’t need someone trying to sugarcoat it.
The Need For Sugar
For life’s highest of highs and lowest of lows, there will always be spectators. People at your side to cheer you, to console you. Heck to boo and heckle you as well.
From weddings to divorce, bringing in new life to saying goodbye to recent death, there will almost always be others there. Sometimes what they have to say is meaningful. Uplifting. Even memorable. Words of wisdom from others who have walked a similar path.
It’s easy to congratulate during the highest of highs. To hug. Kiss. Proclaim. Whether talking to the groom during his wedding reception or talking to a young person after they graduate from high school, they are already at the peak of their excitement. Of their joy. At that very moment, it’s impossible to go any higher. A well-placed smile and handshake are sometimes all that is needed.
It’s the lowest of the lows that can prove a challenge. Can leave the spectators unsure of what to say. Nobody asks to be the center of attention at their lowest point. But when the trap door under your feet opens following the death of a family member, or the failure of a marriage, there’s nothing you can do but brace for impact, because when the ground arrives, and it will, it has a way of shattering willpower, all under the watchful eyes of spectators.
There’s an internal desire to offer comfort. To lend a shoulder to someone in need. In this search of offered comfort, some say what they believe the person who’s suffering wants to hear.
It’s my experience this rarely, if ever, helps.
It’s also my experience that it often comes from those who have not gone through such an event in their own life. They search for meaning in an unfamiliar language. What is said comes from the heart. It’s meant to soothe and to mend. Yet the need for sweetened words does not mask the bitterness. Because sometimes the bitterness just needs to be.
An Undesired Distraction
“Well now you can have a fresh start,” the friend told me.
I had just told him of my divorce. A divorce at the time I did not want. After fumbling for what to say. After making it through the, “I’m sorrys” and the “how are you doings?” echoed by the group, he offered the proclamation. I would be better off. I could move on and leave the past behind.
Ever the glass-half-full optimist.
But sometimes the glass is broken and sometimes it’s necessary to accept it. It’s necessary to, when ready, pick up the pieces, even if that means cuts of the flesh and bleeding of the soul. Brushing it aside, sidestepping it to look for a brighter future does nothing to heal. It does nothing to help. It might momentarily numb the pain, but pain will always remain. Pain is the gatekeeper to growth.
Of course, my friend was right with his words, but what made those words right was my acceptance of what had happened. I tried to put it off, which only delayed my growth. I eventually made it past. For others, the continued application of numbed thoughts hold them back.
Everyone wants kind words. But everyone needs the growth that sprouts from life’s failures.
Sometimes Life Just Sucks
Sucks. It’s a strange word. It feels like a word on its way to vulgarness, yet stumbled along the path. It’s not clean, and yet it’s not dirty either. It’s not scholarly, and yet it has a crystal-clear meaning.
And sometimes, life just sucks. It’s not clean. It’s not educational. It’s not vulgar or grimy or pristine. It simply sucks.
There are times when you’ve had a bad day and you don’t want someone to try and make sense of it for you. You don’t want them to try and logically offer a solution. Sometimes you just want to vent and, in return, have them offer a hug and say, “I’m sorry you’re going through that. It really sucks.”
It’s not that you don’t want a solution, because you already know you’ll make things work and you’ll figure a way beyond what’s causing you problems or pain. You just want someone to understand what you’re going through, and to be there for you.
When my dad died, I didn’t want someone to try and make sense of it all. To announce to the world that I would be stronger for going through it all. To offer a philological take on life. I just wanted someone to offer a hug and say, “I’m sorry. This really sucks.”
When I went through my divorce I didn’t need someone telling me I’d be better off or I could start fresh. Deep down I knew I’d make it out, eventually, in almost one intact piece. I wanted someone to sit there with me, have a beer, and exhale deeply and randomly a “man, this sucks.”
Because life is imperfect. It doesn’t live up to expectations. Problems arise. Things are broken. Damage is done. No amount of sugar will fix it or make it better. No grand gesture will cause the failures to disappear. Because sometimes life sucks.
And it’s okay to admit it.