Your Relationship Road is Like No Other
Don't try to compare. Your path is different from all others.
The announcement went out.
Tagged to a series of photographs. Photographs that should be heartwarming. That represent the story of someone’s love. Of their path together. Of the moments shared and experiences tallied.
And now they’re getting married.
The ring sparkles, even if you find it tacky. Their smiles couldn’t be bigger. Even with imperfect teeth or signs of age around their eyes, imperfections can’t hide their perfect happiness.
You don’t sigh. You’re not mad. And yet there’s something inside feeling off. An emotional chain that slipped the spokes when seeing the post. It doesn’t make sense, and yet it does.
You write a congratulatory comment. Complete with smiles and exclamation points. With a sinking feeling in your chest, you look to the long, empty couch at your side. Large enough for two, but forever holding one.
Whatever was playing on the TV no longer interests you. The healthy dinner on the coffee table now void of taste. So you flip the TV to a favorite comedy and listen to the family theme song chime out while rummaging through the freezer for the caloric bomb of junk food you know you buried in the back for special, lonely occasions.
The Weight of the Road
I haven’t had a real relationship in a long time now.
By “real” I mean a relationship I tell my mother about. There’s subtle dating here and there, an occasional person who bobs above the water of friendship briefly before sinking back down, but nothing worth mentioning. Nothing worth exciting mom about.
Some days the road feels long. In the decade-plus of time behind me since my divorce, there are stretches in the path that affect me. The isolation weighs me down. It’s tangible. A penetrating weight, capable of moving through my skin, my muscles, my bones, and attaching itself to my heart. It weighs it down. My heart bends and shifts and buckles under the weight. The posture of my heart on those days must be terrible.
But most days the feeling of isolation, of the relationship world passing me by, doesn’t come to mind. The day begins, the day ends, there’s no wondering why it works for others and why I continue on in between the bookends of a rising and falling sun.
I may very well see social posts of friends now with spouses or lovers, relationships they’ve had for years or have just recently announced to the world, and yet most days these posts don’t affect me.
But some days they do. And there’s no way to know one day from the other until my chest decides to react. My mind analyzes and over-analyzes what could have been. What should have been.
All Roads Lead To Somewhere Else
For whatever reason, there’s this mental desire to compare everything to everything. Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t think so. Some comparisons are sensible. “The clementine I’m eating right now is not as good as the clementine I just finished eating.” I’ll compare beers or the craziness of drivers in different states. I’ll weigh the seafood of Boston against the seafood of Portland. My relationships with those on social media.
So many comparisons.
It’s easy to watch friends, family, and even strangers fall in love, marry, and start families and wonder why my luck does not compare. But in truth, there is no comparison, because no relationships are the same, and no two people walk down the same path.
Your path differs from mine. Mine differs from my friends. We are all on different relationship roads, and while each road leads somewhere, no two travel the same direction. No two have the same bumps or roadside attractions.
While it is easy to look at the loves springing up around you, you should never compare yourself. Never question why you haven’t married and settled down yet when others have. Even when family ask when you’re going to find a nice person when you’ll buy a house with the picket fence in a school district. Beyond the fact that it’s them projecting their desires onto you, it simply hasn’t been in your path yet.
The relationship road you are on is different from everyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Including yourself.
It sure can be difficult some days. On those days your heart decides to weep from its own loneliness. The days it screams out in frustration when another friend leaves the single ranks. Your heart may pick and choose, much like mine, when it will experience these feelings. When it will pull the rest of you down with it. Sometimes there’s not much you can do about it. Like a surfer riding a wave, you can’t always create the wave. All you can do is ride what the world gives you.
So there will be lonely days. There will be hard days. Days you wonder why things haven’t worked out for you when it seems like things are working out for everyone else. Just know that it’s okay. Because you’re as unique and one-of-a-kind as the relationship road you’re on.
Things will work out. You just have to keep moving down your path.